Like most, I struggle with finding good things in bad situations. My mind likes to dwell on all the bad or uncertain things going on in my life which then begins my downward spiral into a depressive state. I've never been diagnosed as "depressed", but I have my days where I just can't seem to pick myself back up.
Take today, for example. My mind is in a constant circle of:
Grandma dying, needing a job, I have no money, I am worried about school, I have a wedding to plan.
By the end of the day, I have put myself in such a bad mood that there is no pulling me out of it.
And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling that familiar lump in my throat when I want to cry. I'm tired of staying in a bad mood. And I'm tired of being tired.
My coping skills for stressful situations are to sleep. Sleep to escape the world, sleep to escape the sadness. After my grandma died last week, I missed almost a whole week of classes because I slept all day. Literally, did not wake up once.
Week after week, I have struggled with wondering when God would show up. Dry. Tired. Lost.
I kept asking myself, "what am I doing wrong?"
Whenever we have dry spells the enemy likes to creep in and spread a few lies in order to isolate us from our faith. I began thinking I wasn't pretty enough for my fiance anymore, I stopped wanting to go to church, and I stopped wanting to hear people encourage me. I thought that being in my sad state would make me feel better. But it only made it worse.
I have forgotten that God is with me in the valley. And the truth is without valleys there would be no mountaintops. God knows, God is near, and I can trust that He is good and that He is my Father. Instead of praying for God to take me out of the desert, I should pray that God would teach me while in the desert.
I have learned three things thus far:
Stay in church community- Whenever we feel unloved by God our first inclination is to run. We feel unwelcome. We feel unloved. We isolate and hide. The best thing we can do when that is happening is to intentionally surround ourselves with our brothers and sisters of the faith. They can pray for us. They can encourage us.
When I feel like praying the least, is when I should pray the most. Be silent. Be still. Ask God to speak to you through His word. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it feels like He isn't there. But sometimes He shows up when you least expect it.
Be honest and real with God and others. We don't always have a smile. We can cry. We can yell. We can be frustrated. Until we are fully transparent with our loving Father, we'll never feel the weight of burden and anxiety off our shoulders.
Even as I sit here, I know that I am going to have to force myself to stay focused on those three things. So much of me would rather just stay in my yoga pants and eat Oreos and lay in bed and not think about the world. But I wasn't created for that. I was created to excel in life and be extraordinary. And I cannot show Christ through me if I don't know how to let God pick me up from a bad situation and walk me through it.
** I love you, Grandma. I miss you every single day and will always hold you close to my heart. You never stopped believing in me and encouraging me to do better, and I hope that I made you proud.**
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